Emptiness from within
Woke up feeling empty. I guess whatever I have is still with me, just suppressed a bit. And here I thought that having a better paying job will rid me of whatever it was that was bothering me.
Looked at dog and cat videos a bit but nothing changed. Still the same empty feeling that gnaws inside you like an itch that you can’t reach and can’t be ignored.
Have you ever missed the feeling of being alone? Going out of the grid... turning your phone off and just disappearing for a while? Haven’t done that in a while. ”Balato mo na sakin to”, someone told me when I last wanted to do it. And she told me she was depressed for the past few months without an explanation. Saying that no one cares for her and no one would be looking for her. And that makes me pretty much useless ...
So you think that I just gave you those gifts randomly... out if whim, I bought those things just because I wanted to... maybe it didn’t occur to you that I gave them to you because I cared... that you taking care of them would distract you from whatever was bothering you.
Ever wondered why I usually ask how you are? I do that most of the time and yet you never say anything to me and it had to be triggered by me going to a birthday party... When was the last time you asked me how I was? You ask about my dogs but I can’t remember a recent time you asked me how I was? How I felt? How my day was? How was work? I volunteer the information because I cant hold most of it in... all the drama at work is doing me no good and you’d rather ask how my dogs are... shows our priorities doesn’t it?
So here I am, under appreciated, with that gnawing feeling that something could be done in this life and yet, in the 30+ years that I have been living it, can only find distractions and in the end, I find myself in the beginning... empty again...