Woke up feeling empty. I guess whatever I have is still with me, just suppressed a bit. And here I thought that having a better paying job will rid me of whatever it was that was bothering me. 

Looked at dog and cat videos a bit but nothing changed. Still the same empty feeling that gnaws inside you like an itch that you can’t reach and can’t be ignored. 

Have you ever missed the feeling of being alone? Going out of the grid... turning your phone off and just disappearing for a while? Haven’t done that in a while. ”Balato mo na sakin to”, someone told me when I last wanted to do it. And she told me she was depressed for the past few months without an explanation. Saying that no one cares for her and no one would be looking for her. And that makes me pretty much useless ... 

So you think that I just gave you those gifts randomly... out if whim, I bought those things just because I wanted to... maybe it didn’t occur to you that I gave them to you because I cared... that you taking care of them would distract you from whatever was bothering you. 

Ever wondered why I usually ask how you are? I do that most of the time and yet you never say anything to me and it had to be triggered by me going to a birthday party... When was the last time you asked me how I was? You ask about my dogs but I can’t remember a recent time you asked me how I was? How I felt? How my day was? How was work? I volunteer the information because I cant hold most of it in... all the drama at work is doing me no good and you’d rather ask how my dogs are... shows our priorities doesn’t it?

So here I am, under appreciated, with that gnawing feeling that something could be done in this life and yet, in the 30+ years that I have been living it, can only find distractions and in the end, I find myself in the beginning... empty again...

Posted by Elan_Morin on November 30, 2017 at 09:19 AM | 1 Serve in silence

Almost a year... so would it be an ANNUAL BLOG now?

I forgot how it felt to write my feelings down... 

During my last birthday, I asked for a reprieve and wanted to be alone. I used to have these "Alone times" and do long drives with no destination. 

I still have urges to just drop from the grid and just disappear for a few hours. Just walk or sit down alone and think about life... 

Just turn of my phone and get swept away by civilization... Watch the world go by and the sun go down...

Not talking to anyone and just smoke my lungs away... 

Escape...

Posted by Elan_Morin on May 25, 2017 at 04:15 AM |

I should be telling you this but I never get the courage when I am with you. I never want to drag you down when we are together. I'm borrowing from your happiness so I try to make you happy. You told me once that you never had a vent to release on. That you never had anyone to talk to. Consider my situation. All the pent up rage that I have kept all these years since we have been together. You never knew me before you came back in my life. You never knew how much hate I had to keep inside. Back then, I had friends to talk to. Now, you of all people should know why I don't trust that much anymore.

It's funny that you do not seem to believe that I choose not to mingle with my co-workers. Always doubting if I was eating alone. I told you before, I only socialize as needed now. I have stopped building bridges and started building walls. Never again... Trust is a weakness... I have nurtured enough snakes to last a lifetime...

I smile, but it doesn't mean that I'm happy... I laugh but the laughter burns. I have been wearing masks for a long time before you came,  and it doesn't hurt that much anymore to keep wearing them.

When you read this, ask me if I would be able to talk to you. By then, hopefully things would be much better

Currently listening to: Incubus - Pardon me
Currently reading: No sleep
Currently feeling: Empty
Posted by Elan_Morin on September 22, 2016 at 04:22 AM |

It's funny how people think that you should be happy with the things that they see... I suddenly realize that I have been wearing my mask again...

Some people just think that they know better about you then you yourself... Assuming that they would be the better one to tell you how to live your life... That they are more armed with both the knowledge and understanding and that they know how to steer your life towards the better...

Are you still reading? I do not know how to talk to you about this... Someday, I would look back when you do read this knowing that somehow, I reached out to you but never in a way that you liked... Never in a way that you expected... Will you be there when that time finally comes? Or will I be gone?

Posted by Elan_Morin on March 2, 2016 at 09:30 PM in Random thoughts about random things... |

And so it happens that after 2 years, I am again posting... I always ask myself... Do you still read this? Do you see me the way that you saw me almost 6 years ago?

A lot of things has happened in the last 2 years... I was at the top of my life then... Now, I do not know if I can sink any lower... Trust broken... Faiths challenged... Who knew 2 years ago that I would be at this state of life and mind right now... They always say that once you are rock bottom then there is no other place to go but up... They never did have good imaginations... Life is never just up and down... There are verticals and horizontals...

I have a lot of things to say but never had the nerve to tell you... You make me forget all these things when we are together...  Your presence always did change my state of mind... No matter how low I get... No matter how dark the world is... You are my sanity... My only anchor in this world...

Posted by Elan_Morin on March 1, 2016 at 03:56 AM in Random thoughts about random things... |

This was first posted in my FB page... Reposting here... 

I found an old college notebook today. Funny how drastically my view of the world has changed since college. Thinking about how many times I have contemplated on ending my existence back then and thinking about where my life is now just makes me smile. Realizing a long time ago that I have found the answers that I was seeking only after I have admitted that I was asking questions and embracing the fact that no matter how hard I try I could never be alone in this life changed a lot in my point of view. I never said that I was wise but some come to me for answers... I didn't want to talk so most of the time I just listened but there would always be someone who thought that I did that because I cared. Wanting nothing else but to be alone there would always be another one who wanted to share my silence. I embraced my negativity to the point that someone said I was just seeking attention and my being like that was my way of trying to gain it. 

A lot had changed in these past years...

I still talk less but when I do, I make sense now... I understand why back then they would come to listen... Why I was never alone no matter how hard I try to isolate myself. I never did think that I could make peace with myself knowing that I hated myself for all the things that I did before but here I am now. Still alive after I decided that nothing good was going to happen if I continued with my existence. 

I found out that my negativity and all was the reason as to why they were attracted by my personality. Admitting that I too was searching for company made me realize afterwards... Acceptance was made and with it came bliss...

Posted by Elan_Morin on July 10, 2014 at 07:29 PM in Random thoughts about random things... |

We didn't hug... We never talked much... We never understood each other... We never saw eye to eye... We didn't agree on anything... You always stepped in my space... You breathed behind my back... You always saw wrong when all I did was the right things... And yet... You didn't hug me because you supported me... We never talked because you always listend... We didn't understand each other because you were busy understanding me when I didn't understand you... You never saw eye to eye with me because you adjusted your view to see mine... You didn't agree with me because you know something better for me... You stepped in my space because I was going the wrong direction... You were always there breathing behind my back so that I would be the best in what I do... You saw wrong because I believed I was right... 

 

Happy fathers day... 

Posted by Elan_Morin on June 16, 2012 at 10:04 PM in Random thoughts about random things... |

Most of the time I just stare blankly into space... Waiting for you... Sometimes I just stare blankly at your face... Looking in your eyes... Having you in my arms will slow down time... Wondering when you'd call... Waiting for the time that you would be mine...  Waiting for the sky to fall... No sense of the world and no cares for the rest... Solitude in bliss and bliss in solitude... No more, no less. You kept me sane these past 2 years... No fears, regrets and avoiding the tears... Never again to be serving in silence... Never to be left alone in loneliness...

 

I love you so much it hurts...

 

 

Currently listening to: Beautiful in my eyes...
Posted by Elan_Morin on June 12, 2012 at 10:17 PM in Random thoughts about random things... |

I was ready to move on... I did what I had to do... I went back in my shell and withdrew from my world... its funny how a lot of people see me when  I don't do anything but they turn their backs on me when they see me smiling. I suddenly find you staring at me... No matter what I do, when I see you I cannot do anything else but fall in love... After how many days of no communication, you suddenly appear and talk to me... No ifs and no buts... No apologies needed and no explanations asked. We are what we are... We are in love... Thanks so much...

Posted by Elan_Morin on December 24, 2011 at 05:01 AM in Random thoughts about random things... |
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